assemble starting thoughts

Ellie Huo
3 min readFeb 23, 2022

Currently 9:30pm at night and procrastinating from work. I’m feeling very nostalgic from writing (typing) again disregarding the fact that I forgot how to spell nostalgic and had to google it.

When I was younger like elementary school, in the after school program, I aspired to be an author. I stapled a couple of pieces of paper together and folded it to make a “book” and I would dump all my creativity on it. I remember writing an adventure book about 4 girls getting trapped in a forest and about lowkey a Noah’s ark story but with my whole class?? I even got my “books” showcased and LMAO I kinda remember semi-forcing someone to take my autograph just in case I became a famous author.

Trying to squeeze all these memories back into the forefront of my brain was actually kinda hard and I can’t believe that I’m already so far from that aspiration. I’ve read a singular book since graduating high school and have not written anything other than school essays. But here I am.

I always blabbered about starting something creative that journals my life and thoughts. In the beginning, I was going to start a YouTube channel and I actually have footage in my phone of my intro video. But of course, editing is A LOT of work and I don’t commit like that HAHAH. Then, I was debating on starting a TikTok where it’s more spontaneous and shorter videos which matches my low commitment and scattered brain. But I do delete TikTok like every other month and also am a TikTok noob who won’t take the effort to keep up with the trends so we do be seeing a consistent giving up theme here. And then podcasts… which I was leaning on starting. Podcasts give me the vibe of compilation of thoughts and that’s exactly the outlet I needed. I could record my thoughts without caring about angles or lighting or body movement and I can even do so anonymously. I So I kinda spontaneously just started writing on Medium and decided that these writings will be like the planning phase script for the podcast episodes (if I even ever start the podcast or maybe I’ll stick the Medium or maybe this will be my first and last post) to help me keep track of what I talked about or else I may re-talk about the same things OOPS (kinda keep forgetting who I said what to so might repeat stuff LOL).

I think having a podcast would also help me speak slower and more clearly. It wasn’t until college that my friends told me that I enunciate words in a different way than the average person. I’m not insecure or anything but I think it tends to show more when I speak more quickly and sometimes I don’t even think I would’ve understood what I was saying.

I want to make the podcast anonymous because I want to pretend it kinda also doesn’t exist. Do you ever have that feeling where you want to talk to a friend who is not currently in your social circle and living city so that there’s no burden of what they will think after because you probably won’t see them “in real life”. IDK that’s kind of what anonymous podcast feels like. Like someone may be listening but I don’t have to know but I’m also not talking to myself. IDK IDK also the fact that what if a lot of people listen to it and it becomes my job BAHAHHAH. Gold digging my future self.

So we shall seeee…

This Medium blog (if I stick with it) and imaginary podcast (if I ever start it) would contain any of my thoughts. Make it spontaneous but still add a little theme and structure to it. I want to talk about God and all the things that He has revealed to me about Him, about life, about my life, about me; I want to talk about the things that weigh down my heart that it sinks to my toes and crowds my brain that it becomes blank; I want to talk about all the dots I am connecting in my life like how I’m realizing my upbringing has molded me… Lots of thoughts and not enough storage in my brain which is another reason I wanted to record and journal them. So that maybe even when I forget that I ever had these thoughts, even for a split second, that they were valid to me for that second and that they existed and so did I.